Suffered from depression for years
by Asad Khan
This is Asad Khan. I have been suffering from depression for 9 years now. I have never taken meds, took them for a couple of months but did not feel much difference mentally so left them altogether. Here is my family background information that might give you a clue or two about my mental state. My parents were never on talking terms. They always fought each other over trivial matters most of the time over money. We were a huge family of 4 sisters and 4 brothers. One of my eldest sisters diagnosed with schizophrenia (she was a doctor by profession, but she had a relationship with her co doctor but that relationship did not work out, her mental started deteriorating and she had become a victim of mental illness.) Now comes my next eldest sister, she became a victim of schizophrenia after reading some sort of evil related story in one of reader digests at one night like some evil soul had entered into her soul) etc ..then comes another sister ..she has become a victim of clinical depression ...she used to shout at the top of her lungs in order to divert her mental thoughts etc ) then comes the last sister...she suffered from psychosis etc )..so you can understand the stress, the envoirnment at my home dealing with 4 mentally ill sisters...i grew up in this enviornment...etc...i could not share my inner feelings with my elders as they were a cause of suffering and pain so there was no father figure in my life and i had finally become a victim of severe depression etc) However, i gained a lot of weight, faced disturbed sleep patterns etc )...on top of it, i screwed my academic life ...dropped out from a couple of universities....etc..there was no fire in the belly...dull, tired, felt sucked mentally as well as physically...eating junk food etc)
however, since i have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes..i have been more active now physically ...reduced a heck a lot of weight , i have been eating clean and excercising daily...it is helping me with my mental state to a certain but not entirely)
What I would like you to answer specifically is:
1. my mind still feels numb. when a teacher is teaching something, it goes over my head..i can not understand it at all...my brain has been slowed down a lot..i can not even sum or substract basic stuff mentally..it takes me a lot of time..)i dont know if untreated depression has caused .damaged to it?
2. My soul still hurts. I was mentally abused by my dad and elder brothers. Their harsh/abusive comments still pop into my head from NOWHERE and HURT MY SOUL. I would to like to put a stop to it.
3. I would like to go back to university and start my academic life again but I am not sure what exactly I would like to do in my life. There is no direction or goal in sight. Im right now living a life with no direction or purpose. Sometimes I question my presence, like why I'm here in the first place?
Im sill 30 years of old, would love to enjoy my life and do something academically but my mind and soul are no more in it. University is a lot of hard work, lots of assignments, quizzes, tests etc buy i feel like my body jus can not manage it on a daily basis..I dont know what to do.
Thanks for reading.
Thank you for your question. It is honest heartfelt and I commend you for seeking guidance at this very difficult stage of your life.
Depression is a dark place yet it offers its subject in this case 'you' comfort and security Somewhere to visit when your mind becomes convinced that the negative thoughts you have created are real.
To overcome the depression you 'must' start to understand that you are the one in control of your thought's and feelings at all times.
What you believe you will receive and if you focus on everything you feel like you 'can not do' or painful memories of family and the past you will remain locked in fear that will eventually cripple your existence and the addiction to depression will continue.
People who enjoy happy fulfilled lives do what they 'must' not what they 'want.' everyone gets dark thoughts at times it is natural. As with everything in creation there is balance, two sides to every coin, the light and the dark resides in us all.
You have been given free will to nourish and nurture any side of the coin in your own life, be it negative or positive. What ever you pay attention to grows. Think of your mind like a garden, one side is planted with only positive thoughts and the other side planted with negative. 'Which do you water?' for whichever you nourish will flourish. That's just how our universe works.
Although you may not have had the greatest start in life that was beyond your control, do not let your past ruin your future. I am glad to hear that you are excersizing and eating healthy I would also recommend the practice of meditation and deep breathing any time you feel a rush of negative emotion or thought come over you.
You have one life to live and it is a gift please do not waste another minute in misery, I am sorry to hear of your abuse as a child but the thoughts that you are having now about 'you' is another type of abuse called 'self harming' although not physical it is much worse. You are being ungrateful for the gift that you are, your life is as important as the next. Do not let your spirit suffer any more!
You were born to enjoy each moment and you deserve happiness. Learning anything new after years of depression can be done instead of seeing learning as hard see it as easy even if you don’t believe it your subconscious will receive it and eventually it will be easy as 123.
~ practice makes perfect~
~fake it before you make it~
See in your minds eye the person you want to become and believe that it will happen if you stick to your path and stay in control of your thoughts and feelings. The only limitations in life are those you give yourself.
Anything you do on purpose becomes your purpose. Your life today is only a reflection of your past thoughts and feelings.
If you are fearful you will undoubtedly attract fear. Think about what you want to be doing one year from now. What kind of man will you be? How will you walk and talk act? You have to believe it before you receive it.
When you do not know what to do with your life then 'do anything good' something is always better than nothing. Focus on what you enjoy, forget what you think you 'can do' and do what you 'MUST do.
'Don't think about the pain you will feel if you do it, think about the pain you will feel if you don't even try'
Dream big and then dream Bigger!!
Hope this helps.
Stay in touch. Your friend Victoria
Dont forget to check the site often and sign up for your 'Daily Quote'